Now it’s official, I am panicking.  Really really panicking. The other night I woke up at 3am and could not get back to sleep until 5am (Imogen woke up at 6am) this rarely happens to me. I do wake up in the middle of the night but can often doze off again happily.

I have started having dreams about the wedding, about the music going wrong, my dress ripping, and not being able to get to the church.

But this wedding worry seems to have exacerbated something I thought I’d shrugged off  eight years back – around the time just before I first went freelance ; a period when when I felt out of control of everything in my life.  I sorted it out by carving my own career and generally taking control of my life.

I know this feeling – it’s anxiety.

I’ve read several articles on anxiety in the last few weeks. Apparently we’re all are suffering from an overload of anxiety. It’s the new epidemic, according the Sunday Times Style magazine.

Anxiety is something I find hard to live with,  worry on the other hand…

I’m a worrier, in fact I really am one of those people who if they haven’t got something to worry about, will actually wonder why they haven’t got something to worry about and will worry about that. I’ll assume that there’s something I should be worrying about but am not therefore the thing I am worried about will happen/not happen and then I really will be worried.

I was born like this, ask my mother!  In fact I’m surprised I don’t look 10/20 years older than I am.

But worry is something I can control.  Although I’m pretty sure this anxiety is actually my normal worries with the wedding stuff added I don’t want it to get the better.

For me anxiety means having a feeling in the pit of my stomach that there’s something I’ve not yet done or have to do. It can paralyse me in social situations or at home when I’m trying to do something relaxing.

It also means I get headaches – which is not something I generally suffer with much either.

Sometimes life can be a bit too much , we try and cram so many things in. Thinking of ourselves… as well as planning the wedding, we’ve had a quite a few things to deal with in the last couple of years. Serious illness, job losses, debts, changes in employment,  Imogen starting pre-school and a few others.

I nearly had a meltdown this afternoon when we were discussing the honey moon with Andrew’s parents. Then  I remembered how I managed to beat off the anxiety that nearly suffocated me a few years back – learning to  breathe.

You may laugh but while Andrew put Immy to bed I put on my yoga DVD, and rather than fast forward them, I actually just did the breathing exercises on their own instead.  Just sitting still, being calm, being in the moment, and hearing the sound of my own body nourish itself made me realise – everything really will be okay.

Ahhh

Total and utter result! The wedding dress is sorted. Bar a serious amounts of weight loss/gain I really shall go to the ball in a totally gorgeous dress that cost under £100.

We found the dress at Clarks Village, a factory outlet shopping centre in Street, Somerset, it’s the home of shoe-maker Clarks. It does have a large Clarks shop, which is brilliant for finding childrens shoes, at half price or even less but there are plenty of other shops in which to dent your bank balance.

For me, the trip to Street had been a detour on the way to nearby Glastonbury. Andrew, Immy and I were taking Andrew’s and my mum out for a pre-Easter shopping expedition.

Andrew’ mum steered us in the direction of Monsoon, not a shop I usually frequent, but the discounts at this one can be rather good. Well as you or may not know Monsoon stocks bridal dresses. I’ll admit I had looked online but had not been that impressed with the selection. However on the peg where we could see them the selection didn’t look too bad, and most of the dresses were half price or less – from £75 through to £150 compared to £250/£300.

Many of them looked a bit grubby though, but a little bit of rifling around (thanks Jean!) produced two candidates. Both were in need of a bit of dry clean but I totally fell in love with one of them. Even better it was reduced, I won’t tell you the exact price – as a bride has got to have some secrets – but it was a price for sore eyes.

It was also a size smaller than I usually take, and I’m now on strict instructions not to lose any more weight. Now, where’s that chocolate!

Ella Mag’s editor Samantha Downes is getting married this summer and she’s doing it on a budget. However her bridal preparations have hit a bit of a snag.

With no budget for anything, aside the cost of the church and the hire of the church hall (my mum and dad are helping with the cost of the food and drink) there’s not much Andrew and I can actually do this week but wait for our guests to RSVP .

We gave a deadline of 31 March, and my ultra-organised Andrew even set up a website where guests could go online and RVSP and even  select their menu options for the wedding breakfast.

I’ve looked at wedding dresses but with such a minimal budget we are waiting till the last minute to kit ourselves and our bridesmaids out.

Oh and not only have I broken my Lenten promise not to eat chocolate I also gave in to the call of caffeine on Friday when I had not one, not two but three deadlines, all before 9am.

Now I wasn’t going to give up alcohol however two things have made me change my mind.  One: the last two Saturdays I’ve knocked back units in three nights than the previous six months and I realise how rubbish alcohol makes me feel, even in moderation.

And two: I met a former work colleague last week who doesn’t drink. She’s at least six years older than me has two children and although shes in her mid 40s she could pass for at least 15 years younger.

These things have convinced me that my bootcamp will now involve no booze, no caffeine and no chocolate. It sounds boring but I’ve actually not missed these things as much as I thought I would.

Now my gym programme is one thing that is going to plan. My weekly run hours runs with my new BFF Julia (who is also a part-qualified personal trainer) are coming on well. And I’m managing to fit in spin classes, weight training and yoga.

The only down side to this is the 5.30am starts. Well, how else did you think I was going to fit it all in?

Like this? Read more:

My mission to be a buff bride

The summer bridal bootcamp starts here

Spring is – cold snaps permitting – around the corner and young and not so young women’s thoughts turn to…. weddings.

Yes, we’re betting a few of you are planning a wedding,  especially if our friends and family are anything to go by.

We’ve been invited to several weddings this summer. All the brides are in their late 30s and early 40s. All already look fantastic and all are extremely organised, and we known that all of them are panicking more than George Osborn planning his budget right now.

We can’t tell you not to panic, especially as our editor is getting married this summer. We won’t tell you her age but she’s taking her wedding planning very seriously.

“So with just over 4 months to go, I’m starting to panic. We are just about to send the invites out along with parking/accommodation instructions.

We’ve booked our Catholic church, which means we’ve had to register our intent to be wed with our local council. We’ve filled in all the paperwork, we’ve had our wedding preparation day – as the Catholic church requests, and we’ve sorted our reception venue.

With the invites out, and everything booked we’re getting to the real nitty gritty of organising a wedding. Those little things that make it so special but also so stressful.

Take my dress for example. Our wedding is being done on a serious budget – which means keeping it under £2k (and that’s maximum). This means I’ve been sourcing vintage wedding dresses.

But going vintage sadly doesn’t mean avoiding department stories altogether. After all dresses have to be tried on in order to get an idea of what suits me. I can’t just buy from Oxfam’s bridal website off the peg, so on the insistence of friends I’m having to head into the West End to try on London’s finest meringues.

“But being cash-strapped also means making the best of what I’ve got i.e. me. That means if I can’t wear full-on designer gear I’m still going to make sure I look my absolute best for Andrew.

You don’t have to have loads of cash to do yoga DVDs, or go running with a personal trainer/running partner (a really lovely lady I met in the park) and you don’t have to have loads of money to eat healthily. So that is what I am doing.

My hair is also getting a detox. My mother trimmed my locks the other day – free and she’ll trim it once more before the wedding day. I’m trying to grow it just that inch longer.

On the instructions of several hairdresser friends  we’re avoiding heated hair appliances – hairdryers, straightners etc – and going to bed with lots of conditioner slathered on.  This will apparently maximise hair growth. None of this will cost a bean but it does mean a lot of extra maintenance. Now I know why women throw money at hair extensions etc for their wedding day – there’s no real effort involved. Hey ho!

I’m also cutting out caffeine and the minimal alcohol I drink and taking vitamin supplements – just to be sure. My skin is already getting compliments

And this is just the start.  Eeek!

Read more:

How to do bridal wear – when you are not a blushing bride.

How to get Kate’s vintage look

Are you planning a wedding – let us know!