Now it’s official, I am panicking. Really really panicking. The other night I woke up at 3am and could not get back to sleep until 5am (Imogen woke up at 6am) this rarely happens to me. I do wake up in the middle of the night but can often doze off again happily.
I have started having dreams about the wedding, about the music going wrong, my dress ripping, and not being able to get to the church.
But this wedding worry seems to have exacerbated something I thought I’d shrugged off eight years back – around the time just before I first went freelance ; a period when when I felt out of control of everything in my life. I sorted it out by carving my own career and generally taking control of my life.
I know this feeling – it’s anxiety.
I’ve read several articles on anxiety in the last few weeks. Apparently we’re all are suffering from an overload of anxiety. It’s the new epidemic, according the Sunday Times Style magazine.
Anxiety is something I find hard to live with, worry on the other hand…
I’m a worrier, in fact I really am one of those people who if they haven’t got something to worry about, will actually wonder why they haven’t got something to worry about and will worry about that. I’ll assume that there’s something I should be worrying about but am not therefore the thing I am worried about will happen/not happen and then I really will be worried.
I was born like this, ask my mother! In fact I’m surprised I don’t look 10/20 years older than I am.
But worry is something I can control. Although I’m pretty sure this anxiety is actually my normal worries with the wedding stuff added I don’t want it to get the better.
For me anxiety means having a feeling in the pit of my stomach that there’s something I’ve not yet done or have to do. It can paralyse me in social situations or at home when I’m trying to do something relaxing.
It also means I get headaches – which is not something I generally suffer with much either.
Sometimes life can be a bit too much , we try and cram so many things in. Thinking of ourselves… as well as planning the wedding, we’ve had a quite a few things to deal with in the last couple of years. Serious illness, job losses, debts, changes in employment, Imogen starting pre-school and a few others.
I nearly had a meltdown this afternoon when we were discussing the honey moon with Andrew’s parents. Then I remembered how I managed to beat off the anxiety that nearly suffocated me a few years back – learning to breathe.
You may laugh but while Andrew put Immy to bed I put on my yoga DVD, and rather than fast forward them, I actually just did the breathing exercises on their own instead. Just sitting still, being calm, being in the moment, and hearing the sound of my own body nourish itself made me realise – everything really will be okay.